Pillow talk (week 7)

In chapter six of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, the author talks about “bids” for each other’s attention.  He says, “real life romance is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she if valued…[this is done through] ”bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support…The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.”  These bids can be as simple as a pat on the arm or a hug when comfort is needed, or a back rub after a hard day, or looking at your spouse attentively when they talk to you. 

 I like the idea that Gottman shares about how every time we turn toward each other it is like putting funds into an emotional bank account, kind of like a savings bank. He also describes these bids as a snowball rolling downhill that start small and grow bigger as they continue to roll and accumulate more snow.  I figure I can use all the savings that I can get so I need to bank and bank and bank so when I offend or ignore my husband, he can remember the savings I have already deposited and forgive me of my ignorance.

 Gottman shares a couple of obstacles that can occur as we are striving to turn toward each other rather than away.  The first obstacle is missing a bid.  Gottman specifically states that we do this because we may be angry or have another negative emotion because perhaps the bid was given in a negative fashion.  I appreciated the suggestion that he gave when a bid for attention is given in that we need to focus on the plea and not on the tone.  Too often when we know that our spouse is asking for attention and we don’t like the way it was presented to us we become critical and negative in return.  I need to come up with a cool statement similar to Gottman’s that I can print up on a 3x5 card and carry in my pocket like similar to “ask nicely” as I am usually the critical one.  I am working hard to do better and I am making progress.

 The second obstacle Gottman gives is being distracted by the wired world.  I think this can really just be shortened to being distracted.  Of course, technology is big in today’s world and my husband and I have talked about how connected everyone is to their phones and how they can’t hardly allow themselves to be in a different room than their phones, but we refuse to be slaves to our phones.  Taking classes full time online and having to spend as much time on the computer this semester as I have had to I have noticed one of my husbands bids for attention that he really hasn’t indicated much prior to this semester.  He will stand on the stairwell and look at me in the basement and ask if I have time to watch TV.  Many times I really don’t, but I have been trying to get as much school work as possible done when he is at work so when he wants to watch a show together I can say yes. 

 One of the remedies for those who turn away rather than turn towards was an idea presented in Stake Conference a few years back.  Our Stake President spoke about marriage and about how important it is to kneel by your bed together each night and pray together and then once in bed have some “pillow talk” where any thoughts or concerns, hopes or dreams can be discussed.  Sometimes with lots of children clamoring for attentions when daddy gets home from work makes it hard for spousal time when he arrives.  We use to do this but then recently my husband’s work hours got changed and he has to get up at 4:30 in the morning so he goes to bed often by nine.  We still have a teen-age son that appreciates being tucked in at night and having a little teasing and a kiss good night but he doesn’t want or need to go to bed that early.  So, my husband and I struggled with this “pillow talk” time as to when to just spend time talking with each other without interruption each day.  For a while we struggled as nothing was working, but in the past couple of weeks we have figured out a time that works for both of us and I can tell my husband loves it. 

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.