Sacrifice and Marriage (week 6)

They tell you that marriage is a sacrifice and that it will be worth it.  I don’t know who they are, but they are right.  This post will be extremely personal to me, but it is what is in my thoughts and heart today.

 As I concluded my sophomore year in college and was heading home to California I was excited at the prospect of preparing for a mission.  My brother is two years younger than I so we would be going out at the same time.  I asked my dad about whether this would be a hardship for the family and he had assured me that it would not.  I still prayed beforehand about going on a mission and had not received a confirmation about that but I knew it was a good thing to do so continued to prepare for that event. 

 In those days a language test was done to see what your capabilities were to learning a foreign language were.  A perfect score was 185.  Three of us took the test together.  One young man got 98 and he went to Georgia on his mission.  My brother got 135 and he served in Denmark.  I scored 182 and I got married.  I always wondered where I might have gone had I continued to pursue a mission.  I have an affinity for foreign languages and I love to travel and explore new places. 

 I loved my fiancé but I was afraid of giving up the freedom of being me.  I didn’t want to become a Mrs. Somebody, I just wanted to be me.  One day I was supposed to meet my fiancé and my brother for dinner (pre -cell phone days) after I went to see a movie that I had wanted to see and they hadn’t.  I ended up watching my favorite football team on TV first and then went to a later movie.  I didn’t really think much of the consequences as it was just something that I wanted to do, so I did.  Both my fiancé and my brother were worried when I didn’t show up for dinner and I wasn’t at home.  It didn’t phase me at all that they were concerned and went about doing my thing. 

 I have always loved school and had always wanted to graduate from college.  Getting married put a stop to that.  It would have been hard to got to BYU in Provo and be married and living in California where my husband was working.  I guess I could have gone to school in California as well, but the nearby school didn’t have my degree and I really had my heart set on BYU.  In fact, there was going to be a guest professor teaching the very class I had been most excited about that semester and I could have been taking her class instead of being married and living in another state. 

 We began our family soon after getting married so that really put a stop to my education or any real prospects since it would be hard financially for us as well, plus I didn’t want to leave my baby.  Fast forward through the years.  My husband decided to go back to school.  I read all of his school books and did all of his research so when he had to write a report he used my notes.  I home schooled all of my children back in pre-internet days when there weren't any curriculums to be bought so I had to write my own.  I continued to live vicariously through my husband and kids especially as I have attended five of the seven (and their spouses) college graduations. 

 For me, giving up my dream of an education was hard.  It was something I have always wanted to do.  I have always loved learning and it was hard.  Online education was so expensive and we have never been rich or had enough money to allow me to take classes, even part time as the credits were pricey.  Now finally I am back via the Pathway program and loving every minute as I do my homework and read my assignments.  School is everything that I dreamed it would be.

 My husband and children know how much I love education.  They know that it is important to me and so as they pursued their dreams they applied my values towards it and worked hard to do well and to not squander the opportunity they were being given to go to BYU and study and become somebody.  Each of my kids knew I had given up my dream of an education so they could have theirs and they were grateful.

 So what sacrifice am I currently withholding now?  I grew up in a family where we were not demonstrative physically.  In fact, my parents were very private.  I can only remember one time when I saw my parents hold hands and my siblings and I all commented on it that vacation.  Having grown up in a very private family has made it hard for me for me to show any affection to my husband when there might be others around, including my children.  I know that my husband’s love languages (based on The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) are words of affirmation and physical touch.  I cringe when people give me hugs and I don’t like to shake hands with people at church, so this physical touch thing is really hard.  My husband would love it if I would greet him at the door with a kiss and a pleasant greeting when he comes home from work each day.  Perhaps if there weren’t any kids around then I might be able to do this, but we still have a son in high school, and my father-in-law has moved in with us so we can take care of him.  I prefer to not hold hands or put my arm around my husband when there are others who might see.  I find it embarrassing and feel like everyone is watching.  I know this isn’t true and that physical affection, especially these forms are acceptable in public, but I still have a hard time with it. 

Even when watching TV at night with my family, my husband and I sit separately so there isn’t any public cuddling.  However, it is okay for my son to lean on me while we watch TV.  I work hard to allow hugs and pats at church from those who are just being friendly and even have striven to instigate them myself as I served as the Relief Society president, but why not my husband?  I think it has become such a habit and my pride has gotten in my way that if I show him some public affection once, he is going to expect it all the time and I am not willing to put myself out there in that manner. 

 If I could make this sacrifice for my husband, who already does so much for me and our family, it would be his dream come true.  Let me think…